Tag: family

Married Mondays — United

Welcome back to another Monday!  I’ve gone back and forth on what to talk about this week.  I’ve finally went with being United.  To me this takes being a team, being partners, being there, to another level.  When you get married you are referred to as one mind, one body, and one soul.  You are United.  You stand together as Mr. and Mrs.  You are now one unit.  Again, you will have different strengths and weaknesses, you will have different opinions on things at times, but when it comes to big things you must be united together.

Standing up for something, believing in something, standing strong together, is how to truly build you relationship and shape the future for generations to follow.  It is being united as parents, that shape your children’s futures.  Just being partners in your marriage works for a period of time, then for many that season of life ends and another season starts with a new life coming into yours.  Now the decisions have gone from what do you and I need, to what do WE need.  Life changes.   The partnership and sharing of responsibility now becomes, who is changing the diapers, the diaper genie, doing the 3 AM feeding…  Face it if it’s both of you together that’s great but at some point someone is going to be in someone’s way.

And it’s easier as the kids are younger, but even at an early age, your kids will know if you aren’t united.  If one is the “fun” parent and one isn’t, kids are going to play at that.  They don’t know that they are picking one over the other, their kids they want to have fun and be kids.  And kids are kids, not bargaining chips, not leverage.  Your kids are going to model their future relationships off of what they see in your house.  If that is a life of manipulation and fighting, they are more likely to go toward that type of relationship in the future.  If they see parents, that are truly in love with each other, that take time for each other, and time for the kids, that show that they know where the proper priorities are, they are more likely to have a relationship that is long lasting.

I am very happy to say that my wife and I both come from families that were like that.  After around 30 years or more of marriage, our parents are still together.  We had great examples growing up, and I feel that is why our marriage has been successful up to this point.  We saw what it looked like, to work as a team, stick to decisions, and be dedicated to each other.

This week I challenge you to make sure that you and your spouse, are on the same track.  Make sure that you have the same vision for your family.  Make sure that you are setting the example for your kids, of what a God filled, love filled marriage looks like.  And if you still can, thank those you helped shape your marriage and your life.

Thank you Bob and Deb and Rick and Jazmina, for shaping us and being an example of how to work through things and be united.

by corymcglone

Married Mondays — Communication is Key

communication

[kuh-myoo-ni-key-shuh n]
noun
1.the act or process of communicating; fact of being communicated.
2.the imparting orinterchangeof thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.
3.something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted.

hearing

 [heer-ing]
noun
1.the faculty or sense by which sound is perceived.
2.the act of perceiving sound.

listen

[lis–uh n]
verb (used without object)
1.to give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; give ear.
2.to pay attention; heed; obey
This week, I wanted to touch on something that I have been hinting out the past couple weeks.  One of the things that I feel give my wife and I a successful marriage is that we communicate with each other.  Communication, true communication is back and forth.  It is listening, and then responding.  You cannot respond properly if you haven’t listened to everything that is being said.
Now let’s be honest, the women in our lives will use words that we don’t understand and will say things in ways that we have to really pay attention.  Listen to her words, watch her actions, listen to her voice.  Does this look ok? and Does this LOOK ok? and How do I look? are not the same question, and an answer with the word fine, does not mean the same either.  It comes down to knowing the question that was asked versus the question you think was asked.  My wife had a co-worker at one time that would always answer that they thought they heard in the most intellectual way possible.  A simple question about the time could turn into a story about Swiss watch makers, and 15 minutes later you still didn’t know what time it was.
It comes down also to sometimes she is just going to need you to listen.  Sometimes you just need your spouse to listen to you.  I have always struggled with trying to find the answer or resolution half way through the story.  I’m planning my response not as a rebuttal to conversation, but as a way to work something out.  Guys STOP do this.  There are going to be things that we can’t fix.  There are going to be things that are going out that you don’t want a certain level of detail on.  When you are there as the ear to listen, the hand to hold, and the shoulder to support, sometimes that is all they need.  They don’t always need you to fix it.  Be there, be present, be a listener.  Some times they do want you to take action, just not always right then.
The other factor into all of this is vocabulary.  I included the definition of the work hear as well as listen, but I’ve been very careful not to use hear in this.  Hearing is only receiving the sounds, we hear the keys of the keyboard, we hear cars outside, we hear someone at the door.  We listen to music, we listen to our children, families, and spouses.  You also know over time what the proper vocabulary is for whatever mood you are both in.  As time goes on you learn when to just shut up and let them vent or stew.  Just make sure that you are there for all parts of the communication process.
Take this week, and again as I have said before, put the phone away, put down the game controller, put the computer away, wrap your arms around your loved one.  Ask them about their day, and be truly interested.
by corymcglone

Married Mondays — The Elusive Mythical Date Night

Hey everyone and Happy Monday.  This week I want to talk about the elusive date night.  Let’s face it, life comes along and date nights get few and far between once you get married.  Now I don’t want this to be discouraging so just stay with me through this first part…

  1. The initial dating phaseonline-dating-header2
    1. You are on your best behavior, ALL of the time.
    2. You are still getting to know each other.
    3. You are spending time just the two of you
    4. You are spending time with friends
    5. You fall madly in love.
    6. You talk about everything and nothing for hours
  2. Engagementproposal
    1. You are in love and don’t care who knows it.
    2. You know and learn more about each other
    3. You go on private romantic dates
    4. You talk mainly about the upcoming wedding
    5. You unintentionally alienate your, not as close friends
  3. The Honeymoon Phase (The first year(s) of Marriage)Just Married
    1. You are involved with yourselves
    2. You spend hours upon hours talking about how much you love each other.
    3. You have a few close Friends that you still get together with
    4. You go out as much as possible at least a couple of times per week.
    5. You love each other and those around you are close to sick of hearing about it.
  4. The Career PhaseCouch couple
    1. You are both working hard on your careers trying to get things in line for a family.
    2. You go out when you can.  Usually just on the weekends
    3. You catch up with your friends if you can, but you don’t make as much effort
    4. You still spend as much time as you can with each other, but occasionally work gets in the way.
    5. Long nights of talking turn into binge watching shows while you finish up extra work or browse Facebook, or read some blog.
  5. The Family PhaseA-family-watching-TV-006
    1. Kids are now in the picture or on the way or both
    2. Life has gotten crazy.  Days, weeks, months, move faster
    3. You go out sometimes maybe.
    4. The big outing as a couple is a trip to the grocery store without the kid(s)
    5. You take the few hours that you have of grown up time to catch up on shows, reading, and to catch up with each other.

I could go on with lists but I won’t you all get the picture.

Where do you find yourself in this list?  It doesn’t matter where you find yourself, eventually you will hit one part of these lists or another.  This happened with my wife and I.  We realized one day that we hadn’t really done anything for ourselves for a while.  We started making sure that we at least got a weekend just us every few months.  You have to spend time working on your marriage.  It doesn’t matter how strong of a marriage you believe that you have, if you aren’t continually working on keeping in touch with the person in your bed at night, you’re not on the right track.

I fully understand how busy life can get.  Face it you have 3-4 hours of family time each day, you have 1-3 hours of spouse time, and 16 hours things to do after you’re 8 hour work day.  It seems impossible to make time for it all.  It takes A LOT of effort.  But anything worth anything isn’t easy.  It wasn’t easy at the start of the relationship getting to know each other, but you found time for each other.  Now that you’ve been together 2, 3, 7, 10, 20 years, are you still willing to put in the same time and effort?  I hope so.  Yes, dates are going to become few and far between once you have kids.  Make the effort to go out, by yourselves, start with once a month.  Go to a nice grown folks dinner, go out to a movie with real people as the actors, and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go grocery shopping.  Any date that ends in the Wal-Mart/Kroger/(Insert Local Store here), is not a date.

And this if for the men reading this, make the effort.  Surprise her, do something you wouldn’t normally do.  She has dropped hints, at some point recently about something she would like to do, make it happen.  We are men, we are doers, even when you fail, if your plan is so jacked up, it will give you something to look back on and laugh about. To the women reading this.  We are men, we are doers, we are literal.  We are not going to pick up on the hints that you are dropping in small doses.  We need direction.  Don’t mention something 4 years ago in the middle of doing dishes after that one meal that we had, and expect us to remember in intimate detail.  We are going to let you down when we plan a date.  Sometimes we will knock it out of the park, but we will try.

Not every date has to be epic.  But you need to ensure that you are taking time for yourselves.  Go out for coffee and just sit and enjoy being with each other again.  Pick one thing that you used to do when you were dating, or engaged, or newly married and go do that. Take time to remember those things that you used to do before life got in the way.  Maybe your favorite date memories were riding around in the car talking with no real place to go, maybe you loved going out for coffee and desserts and reading a book together.  No matter what it was that brought you closer together and built that love that you have that used to drive everyone around you crazy when you were starry-eyed lovers, do the best that you can to go to that point again.

If you don’t know by now, my challenge for you this week – Go on a date.  Spend time together, as just a couple, catch up on each others lives even if it’s only for an extra couple of hours that you get together.

by corymcglone